Dear Brothers and Sisters in beer and Members of the Ale-uminati,
Once again this year the Great Papazian and his minions chose to exclude us from the festival of festivals. After careful review of others that gained admittance I determined our writing must change to encompass more of what reviewers apparently seek. Instead of thoughtful accounts about travels or beer styles, we must focus on cupcakes or which beer girls prefer. To that end I tasked Brother Spargealot with finding a relevant and current topic that would inspire the masses and appease the minions of the Great Papazian. The following is what he submitted…At this time we are unsure of it’s worth or what we will do with our special brother Spargealot, but we are contemplating an exchange with the Scientologists for Will Smith.
The Top Five Craft Beers to Consider When Butt Chugging
Although our order remains cloistered aside from jaunts to breweries, we are at times able to view television which allowed me a fascinating glimpse into a novel trend that appears to be sweeping the younger crowd. Apparently a new way to consume the most holy of beverage has been conceived by obviously highly intelligent college researchers. Young men in some universities seem to enjoy consuming alcohol introduced through the rectum. The news account I witnessed reported on a tragic event following a failed attempt to do this with liquor in Tennessee, which inspired me to contemplate what safer and more inspired selections might be more appropriate for this new consumption method. I must preface first that Zymurologists such as myself only consume beer through our mouths so the following is a matter of carefully considered and divinely inspired imagination. Also note this practice only seems to apply to male college students, as female college students appear to posses the mental acumen that precludes engaging such an activity. From what I am told the only equipment needed is a large funnel connected to a fairly lengthy hose, preferably one of small diameter, although I suppose that is a matter of personal preference. After the end of the hose is placed in the rectum the consumer’s very, very good friend must then pour the beer into the elevated funnel and allow gravity to do its divine work. I advise that in addition to paper towels and air freshener the practitioner’s “friend” also have ready a cell phone with 911 as well as a lawyer on speed dial. The “friend” must also have the ability to exclaim that you are “not a gay man” multiple times, while still managing to use the term “butt chugging” at least eight times every five minutes without laughing hysterically. Also ensure your remaining fraternity brothers are ready to don their black suits and sunglasses to lend an air of solemn solidarity. Now without further ado the list:
5. Twisted Pine Ghost Faced Killa – At the bottom of our list is a beer we include as a means to dissuade further attempts at butt chugging among “friends” that might consider it a good idea at the time. Please note you may also want to have a gallon of milk on hand and make sure no one is lactose intolerant.
4. Dark Lord Imperial Stout – A new trend in consumption might be accompanied well by a lingering trend in terms of craft beer towards the extreme. Dark Lord is our choice as a viscous dark ale that remains somewhat over rated, which is what we also assume of butt chugging.
3. Triple Karmeliet – We love the effervescent quality, light texture and flowery aromatics of this ubiquitous Belgian tripel and we believe the fizzy qualities might be welcome by those introducing it to their rectum for the first time. We also surmise the flowery aromas might be welcome by anyone nearby.
2. Green’s Discovery Amber – This Gluten free Belgian ale seems to tick all of the boxes – it tastes rather bad through the normal route, it’s very fizzy, and it is gluten free, which means your gluten intolerant fraternity brethren might die of an overdose of alcohol, but they won’t have an irritable bowel from the inability to process grain by-products.
1. Bud Light – Upon lengthy reflection it was an obvious choice as the beer most suited for introduction into a rectum is one that already tastes as if it has emerged from one. Please note you can also substitute a number of other “light” beers including Miller Light, Coors Light, or even more ethnic varieties such as Corona Light.
I hope you have enjoyed this foray into popular beer drinking culture and its craft implications. Mr. Papazian – can we have a media pass now?